Why the sat gnashing their teeth, jaws in their palms and gazes so far off. I especially wondered what my dad thought about, he was forever gesticulating and talking to himself, grinding his teeth so hard. I wondered why i was thoughtless, i thought i had no mind. i wanted to think, i wanted thoughts, tooth gnashing thoughts but i was thinking and i had no idea. Innocence.
At age 10, i had my first crush and then i had thoughts.
I liked to look through the window in the kitchen as i did the dishes and think about everything. mostly about my crush; his face, his eyes, his smile and his laughter. I thought how impossibly cute he was. I thought about walking hand in hand and wearing a white dress. Sitting under trees and smiling.
At age 12, i had my first heartbreak and my first bite of reality. I dumped "Chike and the river" for "Bad desire" by Gary Devon and "Pet cemetery" by Stephen King. I had new thoughts.career thoughts. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a doctor. I discovered John Grisham and i wanted to be a lawyer. My new crush Chinemerem had gained admission into the university to study geology, i wanted to be a geologist. I discovered Perry mason, i wanted to be a Lawyer again.
At age 13, i became "aware". I looked through the kitchen window and wondered why i was bigger than my mates, why my brother teased me and called me "mama large". why i hated maths. why my English teacher had long neck and looked like a praying mantis.
At age 15, i became very "aware". I had wishes. I looked different. My friends called me weird. I discovered Pink, I felt misunderstood.I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be put of school at 21. I wanted to be a doctor (for my Daddy). I wanted to be small and pretty. I wanted to work with men in their field. I wanted to dominate.
At age 18, i finally had tooth gnashing thoughts. I wasn't in the Uni. my mates were in the uni. I wasnt. Life was going to come an end. I thought was cursed ...o! GOD...so cruel.
Five years later am almost a geologist,6'1'and not thin but pretty.
I got a message from my friend Hadeeza this morning on my way to work (yes i work. temporary job until ASUU decides to let me write my finals and get a certificate ) in a keke. Her message read " we are getting old (she is two years younger than me) we haven't achieved anything..." I looked through wound up windows of cars stuck in Woji PHC traffic as my keke reckless moved between them. I looked through but did not see. My gaze was far off.
Sitting in my Office, looking through the brown glass of the windows, left jaw in my left palm, all i can see are severe brown roofs, metal pipes stacked on 6ft high racks, parts of liner hangers and Cargo carrying units, all looking so severe and masculine. Beyond the fence is the bush bar with its raffia roofed huts; all brown, weathered and bleak. Amidst this bleakness stood a palm-like tree. Its fronds green and almost resplendent. I know it sounds cliche but i felt hope. I strained my neck to better see and i saw a brown withering tree. I am going to ignore that one tree and dwell on this little positivity. Yes. i can do that; like the metals and brown roof are the difficult paths i must tread but in the distance a lushness awaits me. I haven't really achieved anything, am not where i want to be but am on the right path.
I have been wanting to start a blog for ages but i have been too lazy, sad, scared and grey to bring myself to do it. But somehow this little tree through the glass has motivated me. I cannot explain how or why ( i am "deep" like that). So here it is, almostalwaysgrey. I have no idea what it is going to be about. I await to find out.
#Namaste
